Misery loves company

So this new person, straight away I knew she wasnt like some of the other parents at school, she seemed different, im not sure in what way, but there was something about her. She had two kids the same age as our two, her daughter used to talk to Aurora before Jaiden was finished in class, she would also speak to me-the mother not the daughter- she seemed nice enough, I told Karyn about her, she said I should make friends with her, another parent to socialise with. I had my doubts, I didnt really want someone to be friends with, it seemed like an effort, but she approached me, to let Aurora have a play date with her daughter, I agreed. It went well, Aurora made a new friend, and I got along with the mother, I didnt know it at the time, but we had lots in common, music, same sense of humor etc. As the months went by things werent getting better at home, Karyn was telling me to hangout with other people, it seemed like she didnt want to make an effort with me, or so I thought, she told me it was ok to hangout with the mother from school. It was an easy friendship with her, I didnt seem to need to impress her, we just got along, the more we spoke, the more I found we had in common, she opened up about her life to me, she had been married twice, had a rough childhood, and hated her parents, things that were similar to me. At one point I was having a hard time with Karyn over something, the other mother knew it and asked me what was wrong, I dont remember the conversation, but it was me talking about feeling alone, like I wasnt being understood at home, she knew what I meant, she'd been through it herself, as time went by our friendship was based on the shit she was having with her ex-husband, and the troubles I was having, eventually the friendship grew through common interest. The cracks were showing with me a Karyn, we were talking even less, I could feel resentment in the house, but I wasnt looking for how I could fix it, I wanted her to see my point of view, I didnt stop to think about what I was causing, it was me blaming her for the situation. It was easier to not try and fix things while someone else was backing me up, why should I take a backwards step on things? I was right...wasnt I? Things went like this for awhile, maybe 2 years I think, Karyn was emotional through it all, I was just angry, why did I have to give up even more for her? She wasnt trying to give me things I wanted...or was she? After a longtime of hurt and anger...I called it quits, I told her I couldnt live like this anymore, I felt drained...she agreed. It was just after new years when we decided to breakup, at the time I felt ok, but within a week I had decided it wasnt what I wanted, I asked her to come back, she agreed, but something still felt wrong, like it wasnt meant to be. We went through months of the same old stuff, no communication, we didnt seem to have a connection with each other, after about 5 months, she had enough, she wanted out, and was going to find a place of her own. For a few weeks I was ok, it seemed like this was for the best, we werent getting along, why should we just drag this out? When she found her place the first few days I was ok, but it started to take its toll, did I feel ok to begin with because I felt like i'd be happier with the other person? Im not sure what I was feeling or why, when me and Karyn tried to make it work after the split, it seemed like I was more worried with hurting my friend, and not my wife..why? Im not sure, but after Karyn got her house, it started to get to me, I missed Karyn, not my friend. Karyn was always very honest and direct, if I was happier with someone else, or doing something else, then do it, or be with that person, she just wanted me to be happy. With my friend, ive relised she thinks that I couldnt find happiness without comprimise, if we werent friends, well I could never be happy, almost like she's the only one that could get me, or be around me. Things seemed hopeless with Karyn, she didnt want me anymore, it was what I always feared, she got over me. The easy thing to do wouldve been to walk away, start again and find happiness and love elsewhere..but it wasnt what I wanted, Karyn was the person I fell in love with, and I wanted that back, no matter what, I just didnt know how.