Dreams of the future

So, where are we currently? Im still living alone, and the wife is living at the Gold Coast, im trying to find a nice place in the same area, a family home. Things have been great between us, I spend most weekends staying at her place, I feel like we have that connection again. Of course there's still that feeling of fear, and of previous sadness and hurt. She has spoken of the desire to be in the same house again, to be a family, but there is still that fear on her part, that things will go back the way they were, she will be lonely, I will resent the changes im making in life, and that I wont be unconditionally her best friend. I understand the fears, I feel them too, but for me, if I look at the fear, the negative and the what ifs, there will always be a problem, a fight to win, a battle . I cant say anything that will remove the pain of the past, I cant make either one of us forget what we have been through, I cant take away the pain she has felt or the loneliness. All I can offer is what I am, my heart and my soul, and the promise that I will always be here for her, and be her best friend, without conditions, to give her my hand to follow me on lifes journey, and to follow her down her path of life, and to give her my love, and to never let it sway, and to maybe pick up the guitar and play her a song, of whats in my heart. I love you Karyn, I always did, and always will.
I want you around I want you around
They're telling us They're gonna make a fuss About the two of us
I want you around I want you around
I know what you're thinking about That you must have some doubts I know what you're thinking when you find out I want you around
You know if it comes true I'll be so good to you I'll never treat you cruel As long as I've got you around
I want you around I want you around
You heard that I'm no good Yeah, yeah I'm no good But I'll treat you like I should
I want you around I want you around
You know if it comes true I'll be so good to you I'll never treat you cruel As long as I've got you around
I want you around I want you around
They're telling us They're gonna make a fuss About the two of us
I want you around I want you around I want you around I want you around

Hope for the future

Just when I thought things were hopeless, a chance meeting between me and someone that showed me the way many years ago, was she going to tell me what I needed or wanted?
She told me everything that I wasn't prepared to hear, all the opposite things that I was doing, stop resisting all the things I was fighting against, I needed to talk more, be social, face my fears about various things, water, and change. I had to remove the negative energy in my life, get back to my beliefs about something that was greater than me, be who I used to be, most of all she told me, I couldn't wait for someone to forgive me, I had to forgive, I had to believe that what my wife had been doing for all those years wasn't against me, but for me. I was shocked, mostly that I had forgotten my beliefs over the years, I had stopped believing that there was something mystical in the world, some sort of magic, I had grown up, all through school I was the kid who would never want to get old, always be a child at heart, see things that others couldnt, believe in what others wouldnt, I had lost myself, I let the opinions of others control me, and ruin me, it was time to remember my true self. I told my wife all of this, in an instant I saw in her eyes the same look she had years ago, that one of belief in me, of hope, was this my second chance? She seemed to enjoy my company more, we were hanging out more, I felt like it was the start of something new, something better. On the date of our wedding anniversary we went to see Cats, and dinner, after Cats, just before dinner, we were looking out at the city lights on a mountain, it was somewhere I hadnt been for some time, she hugged me and said, 'I can imagine us together like this again', and then she kissed me...was this a new start for us? I hoped it was.

The end or something new?

It was a difficult time for me, everything was falling apart, my marriage seemed over, the one person I loved was gone, life was a struggle again. I wanted my wife back, not because she was at home and I had to make an effort, but because I really wanted her back....she wasnt convinced. I vut off my other friend, she was a major reason for tension between me and my wife, I was fine this time round with not being friends with her, but my wife wasnt convinced, she wasnt ready to work on things with 'us', she was happy to be free and not think about things, do her own stuff, and find out what life had to offer, I knew that in her mind, she was over me, and wanted to find love again...that crushed me. I didnt blame her anymore, I knew what I had done, it was my fault for pushing her away, I felt like life had ended, even with my kids...it didnt seem enough. About a month after she moved out I found myself driving around one late night, I had gone to the border of our state and the next one, to a place called point danger, a cliffside. I had no intention of going there, it was just random, I hadnt eaten for 3 days, and hadnt slept for 4 days, my mind wasnt in the best of spots. I tempted myself, I hate heights and water, I was standing on the cliffside around midnight, I looked over the edge, I loved my kids but was it enough to keep me happy? I hated the missing part, my wife, my soulmate. It was a selfish thing to consider jumping, to leave my friends, family and my kids behind...but I felt lost, totally. I made it through the night though, I drove home early that morning, but made a stop to the wifes house, we talked, thats when I broke down, I dont remember the last time I cried or felt sad, this was it for me, I couldnt hold it in any longer, emotion was overwhelming me, I told her how I felt, she understood but didnt want to take me back out of pity, I had no idea what I had to do, I just wanted her back. I knew deep down that she would find someone else, without much effort, she's a beautiful person inside and out, so someone would see that without much problem, I was on borrowed time. I tried everything, the promise of change, begging etc, but it was useless, I had to have something else to offer, I didnt know what, but then it happened, my Psychic returned, to set me back on track.

Misery loves company

So this new person, straight away I knew she wasnt like some of the other parents at school, she seemed different, im not sure in what way, but there was something about her. She had two kids the same age as our two, her daughter used to talk to Aurora before Jaiden was finished in class, she would also speak to me-the mother not the daughter- she seemed nice enough, I told Karyn about her, she said I should make friends with her, another parent to socialise with. I had my doubts, I didnt really want someone to be friends with, it seemed like an effort, but she approached me, to let Aurora have a play date with her daughter, I agreed. It went well, Aurora made a new friend, and I got along with the mother, I didnt know it at the time, but we had lots in common, music, same sense of humor etc. As the months went by things werent getting better at home, Karyn was telling me to hangout with other people, it seemed like she didnt want to make an effort with me, or so I thought, she told me it was ok to hangout with the mother from school. It was an easy friendship with her, I didnt seem to need to impress her, we just got along, the more we spoke, the more I found we had in common, she opened up about her life to me, she had been married twice, had a rough childhood, and hated her parents, things that were similar to me. At one point I was having a hard time with Karyn over something, the other mother knew it and asked me what was wrong, I dont remember the conversation, but it was me talking about feeling alone, like I wasnt being understood at home, she knew what I meant, she'd been through it herself, as time went by our friendship was based on the shit she was having with her ex-husband, and the troubles I was having, eventually the friendship grew through common interest. The cracks were showing with me a Karyn, we were talking even less, I could feel resentment in the house, but I wasnt looking for how I could fix it, I wanted her to see my point of view, I didnt stop to think about what I was causing, it was me blaming her for the situation. It was easier to not try and fix things while someone else was backing me up, why should I take a backwards step on things? I was right...wasnt I? Things went like this for awhile, maybe 2 years I think, Karyn was emotional through it all, I was just angry, why did I have to give up even more for her? She wasnt trying to give me things I wanted...or was she? After a longtime of hurt and anger...I called it quits, I told her I couldnt live like this anymore, I felt drained...she agreed. It was just after new years when we decided to breakup, at the time I felt ok, but within a week I had decided it wasnt what I wanted, I asked her to come back, she agreed, but something still felt wrong, like it wasnt meant to be. We went through months of the same old stuff, no communication, we didnt seem to have a connection with each other, after about 5 months, she had enough, she wanted out, and was going to find a place of her own. For a few weeks I was ok, it seemed like this was for the best, we werent getting along, why should we just drag this out? When she found her place the first few days I was ok, but it started to take its toll, did I feel ok to begin with because I felt like i'd be happier with the other person? Im not sure what I was feeling or why, when me and Karyn tried to make it work after the split, it seemed like I was more worried with hurting my friend, and not my wife..why? Im not sure, but after Karyn got her house, it started to get to me, I missed Karyn, not my friend. Karyn was always very honest and direct, if I was happier with someone else, or doing something else, then do it, or be with that person, she just wanted me to be happy. With my friend, ive relised she thinks that I couldnt find happiness without comprimise, if we werent friends, well I could never be happy, almost like she's the only one that could get me, or be around me. Things seemed hopeless with Karyn, she didnt want me anymore, it was what I always feared, she got over me. The easy thing to do wouldve been to walk away, start again and find happiness and love elsewhere..but it wasnt what I wanted, Karyn was the person I fell in love with, and I wanted that back, no matter what, I just didnt know how.

The Fear of change

Now this part will probably be very messy as im sitting here with a nice red wine, and the last week has been abit average, anyway...
So time was passing by, it seemed to go by so fast, Karyn and I had come along way, we were both commited to each other, and had a deep connection, we were living out some dream of finding our soulmates. We watched as people around us were getting engaged, we laughed at some, it just didnt seem right, as time went on we were spoton with our predictions of some of them, we both thought 'we're better than them, maybe we should egt married....and we did, after 18mths of being together, we decided to do it, we waited a month and a day, and we had a nice garden wedding at my parents house, the reception was at Karyns mums, life seemed to be working out great. At the time we both were against the idea of having children, for various reasons, but deep down I knew one day that would probably change, having kids is the desire of most females I think, eventually the subject came up, she wanted kids, through my own fear of something going wrong, I fought the idea for quite awhile, I wasnt really against the idea, more it was a fear of something going wrong, either with Karyn or the child, I didnt want to loose her, eventually it came down to us having kids or she would leave me, it was never put that way to me, but I knew thats what she felt. I gave in, she was the person I most loved in the world and I was willing to do anything to keep that. Things started rough, she lost the first baby at 11 weeks-from memory-this wasnt the best sign for me, second time round things were better, we had a beautiful boy, we named him Jaiden, after less than a year, we were ready to have another, I wanted my girl, eventually we had her, Aurora, my little girl. Having kids wasnt as bad as I had thought, we had some minor problems along the way, mostly related to spewing and lack of sleep, but really, we ended up with great kids, when I see other peoples kids these days, im very happy with ours. Deep down I always knew that kids would change Karyn, before having kids her main focus was me, and I loved it, she would write me letters, we'd sit and talk for hours....when we had kids there was a need to care for them, it seemed to take up so much time, there seemed to be little time for us, I felt like I had lost her, I was being selfish, I wanted her all to myself. It felt like she was more distant as time went by, I was lost, she told me to find what I needed elsewhere, whatever she wasnt offering, to me this wasnt a good thing, it felt like she just didnt care, or didnt want to deal with it. She could see that things were getting to me though, so after working for many years, I became the at home parent and she returned to work, it seemed to work, I was happy, money was good, everything at home was good, things were looking up. Jaiden had started kindy, by the time he had started grade 1, things seemed odd with me and Karyn, we didnt talk as much, from my point of view she seemed distant, and thats all it was, my point of view, I didnt even consider what she was thinking or feeling, it was just me thinking about myself, the cracks were showing...something was going to give...then someone came into my life, little did I know what it was to cause...