Where it all started

So how should I begin this blog? Maybe by saying that, for the most part, things like this, blogs, are normally not my thing. However things in life sometimes dont make sense, so I guess this is no different. Lets begin with abit about me... Only child to an Australian father and a Malaysian mother, yes, the typical "mail order bride" type family. I was born in Arawa New Guinea, but I mostly grew up in Brisbane-and surrounding areas- Australia. Life as a kid was rough, we moved 14times in 13 years due to my fathers occupation, contract work, we lived in New Guinea a couple of times, the second time was shortlived due to my mother being chased by a "rascal"(new guinea word for a common street thug/criminal), we lived in Victoria for around 8months, and for the most part Queensland, from outback mining towns to surrounding suburbs of Brisbane. Making friends was tough due to the frequent moving, just as we got settled and I found friendship...we moved, new work, new contract, more money, there was always a reason, as a kid, I just learned to accept it. Our final "home" was in a new suburb within Logancity, Crestmead, it was mostly made up of middleclass and lowerclass income families, people that lived paycheque to paycheque, yep thats what we were, allthough my Mother did a good job of stretching the dollars. For 14 years this was "home", things became routine and familiar. So what was life like? Well, maybe I should go back a few years. Most of my childhood memories are of letdowns, making friends, only to move and start again, there were some longterm- 3-4 year- stays in various locations, we lived in Eight Mile Plains-and no its not like "8 mile" with Eminem!- We moved in and out of that suburb twice-melbourne was in between for about 8 months- so as a result I went to the same primary school for grades 4,5,6, but when my grades looked below average my parents thought sending me to a Catholic private school would fix this. However that was when the weight of the world began to rob me of spirit, but lets go back abit. Home life was pretty boring, I did have some friends in my street, Martin and his Brother Adrian-or Bear as we called him- Damian, Craig and his brother Jeff, and later another Adrian, and Troy. I was a skater! I loved my skateboard, which really was a piece of crap!, days consisted of football or cricket-or any sports!- with Adrian and Bear, they were the sporty kids, but I was actually pretty good in most things, I was little, no muscles, but I had one thing on my side...speed! Man I could run. Jeff and Craig, we'd do computer games and exploring the bushes behind our houses, catching fish in the local creek, and making cubby houses! Me and Craig were good friends for awhile, but he had a temper, and one day he was walking around with a knife, and when he wasnt let in on a game me a Jeff had going, he started waving the knife around, my mother saw this and banned Craig from our house, and I wasnt to play with him anymore, a few years after that he was allowed back to my place and were good friends again. Damian, liked to show off his parents house, big stereo, pool, fish pond, big fish tanks etc, he was older that all of us, but he was the cool kid, we'd go catch these montrous yabbies down at the creek with him, life was good at home with all these kids. Troy lived across the road, he was from Sweden, we were probably closer than anyone else in the street, we just got along, and I thought his accent was cool, my mother was really good friends with his mother, but after a couple or years they had to move back to Sweden, my mother cried, and I was losing my friend, that was yet another defeat in the friendship stakes. Adrian was the new kid, him and his dad moved into Troys old house. He was about the same age as Damian, but he wasnt like him, Damian was the well dressed, into sports type, very serious person, liked mainstream music. Adrian, well he was abit of a 'alternative' type, he listened to The Doors, Cream, Zepplin etc, he wore ripped jeans, army coloured clothes, he didnt like sport that much, he was into fantasy stuff, novels, dungeons and dragon type stuff, Damian was cool, Adrian was too but it was in a different way. After Troy left, the circle of friends slowly started to disapear, Damians parents separated and he moved away with his dad, by this time he was almost an adult so hanging out with the street kids wasnt high on his list of thing s to do, chasing girls was. Bear and Martin were busy with sports, Craig and Jeff were "unstable" and Adrian ended up moving, eventually I did too, we all just grew up I guess.
My early years(grade1-3) of school are abit hazey, but as for grades 4-6, I remember being the class clown, if someone was going to crack a joke...it was me, it was my way of getting attention, I didnt care for what school was trying to teach me, even at an early age I knew school wasnt going to give me what I wanted or needed in life. Grades 4-5 were great, I had some great friends, Luciano, an italian boy 1 year younger than me, we were random friends due to my parents habit of taking to just anyone at the shops, his mother was chinese/malaysian, so like a target my parents would see her at the shops and start a conversation, nothing wrong with that, but they did it very very often, it embarrased me mostly. Eventually they would go to each others house to talk about food etc, as a result I became friends with Luciano, not best friends, but we had similar interests, he had other friends so I didnt feel like we had a "best friends" type friendship, I guess a best friend was what I was looking for, but it just never happened, I even remember feeling let down if he was hanging out with his other friends and not inviting me along...kids can be cruel without knowing sometimes. In school I had a couple of good friends, Andrew and Bruce, the three of us would spend our lunch hour making fun of the girls, spying on them etc, two girls in particular were our targets, Rebecca and Heidi, Rebecca was the typical quiet girl next door type, you know the sort that no-one pays much attention to in school but when they get out of school they're drop dead beautiful, although I never did see her after grade 6 so maybe she's fat and ugly!, and Heidi...well she was the typical tall blonde and beautiful type, although Ive never been a blonde fan. Anyway our days of school were filled with making their life hell, and just in general being pain in the ass boys! My friendship with Andrew and Bruce was pretty much just about this, although Bruce lived at the end of my street, but like the many years to follow their friendship would be a letdown. At some point they must have decided that all this lunch hour antics was boring, I remember to this day walking maybe 10 metres behind them one lunchtime saying 'lets go get Heidi and Rebecca' and seeing Andrew turn to Bruce and say 'lets go!' and then the both of them ran as far away and as fast as they could. I guess that was their way of saying, We're not your friends anymore... By this point it was midway through grade 6 and my parents were ready to move me to the private school, so I guess it didnt matter, much. Having female "friends" were never my thing back then either, oddll at the end of grade 6, we had last week games rather than classes, and we had this draw a question out of the hat type game, Rebecca-yes her- got the "who is the cutest person in the room card", haha she was about to be put on the spot, and someone was about to find out that she liked them....well what a major event that turned out to be...she walked up to me and gave me the card! What the hell!!!! So after years of torment she had a crush on me!! And of course the next day school ended and I never saw her again, that was my first taste of being ignorant to females... I even remember in grade 4 in melbourne-they're actually a year behind qld in the schools, so I actually did grade 4 twice and missed grade 3!- there was this girl who lived in the units near us, I cant remember her name, but when I think about it she was like having a stalker because when I ended up in private school for grade 7 her parents moved up to QLD and she still acted the same way around me, which was she always stared at me, was always in my face and always wanted to be around me, sweet childhood romance some might say, but with the type of boy I was it was just wierd, girl germs!! Anyway fastforward to grade 7 and my parents and I were in church and this girl infront of me just keep turning around and staring right at me! What the hell was wrong with her??? Anyway my parents eventually worked out who it was and spoke to her parents, 'ohh we havent seen you for ages etc etc blah blah blah', so thats why she was looking at me they said....funny but I think she actually had a crush on me, not that I knew that back then. So Grade 7, well that was the beginning of pain for me, in public school I had my friends that needed the wierd funny guy in the group, in private school everyone was a comedian! Unfourtunatley they were also bullies... Chris, he was THE class clown, but he was a mean kid, I was a class clown too, but I was passive. Ohh by grade 7 I had another friend, Kelvin, another of those my parents talking to his parents at the shops type deal, we were pretty good friends, both new in this school, so we had something in common, anyway much like the animal kingdom, the strong seek out the weak as prey, I was the weak, I was prey, Chris made it a point to make my life hell every chance he got. I never did anything to him, but that was probably the problem, I didnt standup to him like the others did, so I was his rage outlet...I hated him, to this day I wish nothing but pain and suffering on him. So that was how my year went, being bullied. The following year was highschool, and Chris's parents couldnt afford to send him there, so I didnt have to go through all that again...so I thought. Highschool, me and Kelvin were good friends at this point, there was also a kid named Scott, he was this tall skater kid, so we connected right away, we ended up better friends than me and Kelvin after awhile, I guess I kinda ditched Kelvin just like others had done to me. Scott had other friends, he lived no where near me so he had this other group of non school friends, so once again I was a 3rd wheel type friend. Highschool started off ok, me and Scott pretty much hungout during lunch, we had a few other classmates, Ben and Dominic, they were in the same school together the year before. We had our group, me, Scott, Kelvin, Ben and Dom. Things seemed ok, for awhile... Peer group pressure is a great thing, when you're a kid you want to fit in, Ben and Dom started stealing things around the school, nothing major, little things, pens, art supplies etc, then I started, same sort of things, by the end of the year the three of us had a reputation, Scott had ditched us for different friends, and so did Kelvin. Ben would steal money from his mother and brother and buy music with it, I'd make copies of his tapes, and his brothers tapes, then i'd steal the covers of those bands from local music shops, at the end of the year two other school kids got me to steal some handheld computer games from a local retail shop, I got 20 buks! which was alot back then, I spent it on the breakthrough album by Guns and Roses, Appetite for destruction..., Kelvin tried to impress us by doing the same, but he got caught, I was in the shop at the time, but wasnt carrying anything so they had nothing on me, they still questioned us both, and called our parents....My parents werent happy! My dad didnt speak to me for a month, and my mother had that look of shame. We were petty thieves, but close friends, or so I though. Grade 9, a new year, I wondered what it would bring. Me, Ben and Dom ended up in the same classes, all was good. We upgraded our petty crimes to breaking into kids lockers, lock picking etc, there were a few kids doing this, not just us, we just happened to be the best at it. But like all criminals, eventually you get caught, one of our "rivals" ratted me out to the teachers when he got caught. I was taken out of class and told, 'either you tell us who else is involved, or we'll kick you out', after what happened in the retail store with Kelvin, I couldnt survive my parents finding out...so what did I do? I ratted on my friends and anyone else that I knew was involved....this was about to get ugly. The fallout from me snitching was, I had no friends, Ben, Dom, Kelvin...they all wanted my blood! And I dont blame them really, my life became hell, I was bullied daily, fights were pretty much booked in with various school kids, and it just got worse everyday, one of the other kids told me to steal a t-shirt from a local store for him, or else. I went into the store, I couldnt do it, I came out of the store and pretended that I had the t-shirt, we made our way out to the bus stop where my bus was waiting, he followed, I told him I didnt have it and just ran as fast as I could to the bus, he told me I was a deadman. The following week I was caught shop lifting, food for myself of all things. They called my parents....i'll leave the rest to the imagination...
So on my year of torment went, my parents never found out about the school situation, I just keep it all a secret, when the school year ended I pleaded to change schools...they agreed-actually that happened in the week before I was due to go back to that school. Strangely another 'female' incident in the last week of school occured. This girl named Katheren was always hanging around, always laughing at my jokes, she knew about the year I'd had and the things i'd done, but she seemed genuine. We had the games days in the last week of school and she was in almost all of my classes, she always sat close, always smiled at me, the last day of school she said 'see ya next year', I smiled and knodded, at that point I was still coming back to that hell hole. It wasnt til later years that I realised that she liked me...I never saw her again either. Grade 10, a new school, and a new start. I had decided that this year I was going to run friendships on my terms, i'd always been the friendly type previously, not anymore, I ignored people, didnt talk to anyone, I shut out all the other kids, and it kept me safe. Oddly it was a girl that was trying to get me to open up, Alicia, from the first day she pestered me, always sat near me, she even looked my phone number up and called me at home! My parents werent impressed. Eventually she asked me to be her boyfriend, this was all new to me, but I said yes. Later I found out she had a reputation for this sort of thing, among other things that she did! Anyway it was shortlived, and she pretty much ignored me after that, I was actually relieved, she was just not my type. As the year went on I became much more of a dark person, my reputation grew with it, kids in lower grades started to fear me, they called me the devil... I loved it, I was untouchable, no-one dared get close to me, and that was good, I couldnt get hurt anymore, I was in control. But like previous odd female attention, I had a fan.. Her friends knew it, but she didnt want to say anything to me, but I knew, all the signs were there, the laughing at jokes, the hanging around when she could. So one day a mutual friend said, ' hey Janelle likes you, want to go out with her?' Sure why not... Didnt that cause a stir! I thought people would be telling her she was mad, well they probably were, but people were saying it to me...'youre going out with Janelle? Why?' apparently I couldve done better. But I liked her, she was nice to me, we had a similar outlook on life, but something just didnt seem right, we didnt have a pysical connection. Things didnt last much more than a couple of weeks, it was almost the end of the year, her parents were strict about not having a boyfriend, so really it didnt seem like such a loss. She said maybe we could try this next year, sure why not, I thought. By the end of that year I had a good friend, Myles, we liked the same music, had a very dark outlook on things, liked cars etc. Grade 11, all holidays I had thought about her...I was eager to try things again, maybe find what was missing, i'd never gone after anyone before, this time I was prepared, I couldnt stop thinking about her. I imagined having a conversation with her about getting back together...I had the conversation with her....the answer wasnt what I had hoped for. I will continue the rest of this soon.