Scars for life

So, the next part, one of the more painful memories of my childhood. So after getting my hopes up over someone who I thought was worth the effort, the rejection of her just added to the previous pain caused by so many, I feel deeper into darkness, my reputation for being antisocial grew, everywhere I looked people would just stare, now I did have some good friends though, but in reality it wasnt enough, tension at home was getting worse, my dad always made it clear how disapointed he was in me, my lack of interest in school and study, my lack of interest in being like him, making money and working, being a "respected" person, what a joke, I wasnt him, and I didnt want to be either, he hated it when I played my music, wore my dark clothing, and when i'd just sit in my room and ignore the outside world. Everyday seemed like a bigger struggle than the last, it pushed me to the edge...until I couldnt take it anymore, I had decided I wanted out, of this world and this life. One day on the way to school I decided it just wasnt worth going on, I had nothing going for me, no-one really cared, when my parents thought I was hurting or different, they just acted like they didnt care for me, just their own social image. I used to carry around a butterfly knife with me to school, a by-product of years of being bullied, I used it to slice open my wrist...the pain didnt bother me, as the blood poured out, I felt like I was being set free, im not sure what happened after the first minute or two, I just remember waking up with a school friend-a female one- standing over me in tears, she had found me in the park, did I think she was saving me? or just prolonging my pain? She ended up taking me back to her place, the cuts were deep, but she knew the chances of me getting to a doctor were remote, I didnt want help. She bandaged me up, I didnt go to school, neither did she, I stayed at her place for the day, she never left me and she barely spoke to me, she just had this look of concern on her face all day, when it came time for school to finish, she walked me home, she stayed at the end of my street to make sure I got home, my mother said as I walked through the door, " get some sun youre so pale!", to this day she's non the wiser. The next day I went to school, people asked where I had been, none of your business was the answer, the girl waited til I was alone, she asked how I was, all I could say was "why did you help?", she replied, "because everyone deserves to be looked after." I'm still not sure to this day why she wouldve bothered, most people wouldnt have, but really, I owe her my life, a life that has had its ups and downs, but a life that im happy ive lived/living, her name will go unspoken, shes listed within this story as a friend, she knows what she did for me, no-one else needs to know, she knows im grateful, the scars have faded over the years...but they're still there.
I was the talk of the school within a week or so, someone had seen blood under my bandages, it wasnt hard to work out the cause, some of the girls at school spoke to the school counsellor about me, I was called into her office to talk about things, this went on for months, did it help? Not really, it was just a way to get out of class. For the rest of grade 11 I just went through each day as best as I could, I made Janelles life a living hell, with the help of Myles and some other friends, that was me pretending to hate her, during the year I made friends with a few other people, one of the them was Jamie, he was a pig of a guy, very confident that he was a ladys man, but really he was just a gorilla in a school uniform, im not really sure how we ended up friends, I remember him getting me in a headlock at some point, and me punching him in the face..wierd. At the end of grade 11 me and Myles were still good friends, but he was one year in front of me, so I wouldnt see him at school next year, Jamie was in my grade so it was just a progression really, making sure I was covered for the next year I guess. The year came and went in what seemed like a short time, I wasnt sure what life was going to bring, I had no real interest really. Over the holidays I would hangout at Jamies house, he lived in the next street, when school started the following year, we were good friends, I was also friends with some of his longterm friends, Johnno, Karl, Scotty, and another kid that had started halfway through grade 11, Andrew, Johnno was, well kinda odd, he was smart, but kinda like a sloth haha, Karl was like everyones parent, always trying to get people to do things his way, always hitting on the girls, without success, but I guess he was pretty genuine, Scotty was a tall lanky guy, he mumbled abit so most of the time no one knew what he was saying, pretty placid guy really though, and Andrew...well he was a clown, and he was very confident of himself, he'd hit on the girls, but was always abit much to them I think, he's was unreliable, if we said we were going somewhere, he'd say he would too, but he was always late, or just didnt turn up. So that was our little group, no one really challenged us, actually this school didnt really have any bad kids, in a bully way I mean, everyone just did their own thing. i continued to make life hell for Janelle, until one day it was enough, she told me to growup, she was happy to be friends if I stopped the petty shit, I actually agreed, she was someone I really wanted as a friend, I was just being an asshole. By the mid year we were really good friends, Jamie seemed to take an interest in her, I could see what was going on. There was another girl in school that kinda latched onto me, she made it clear to everyone I wasnt her type, but she would walk around with her arm around me at lunchtime, it was very odd, but at one point Janelle made reference to me and her as a couple, that was enough! I put a stop to those suggestions, I stopped hanging around her, I didnt want that on my reputation, not that I didnt like her, just didnt like her that much. Things were good this year, I had friends, me and Janelle were getting along and I really liked having her as a friend, nothing else, she was just good to talk to. Another classmate-a female- was Deanne, she wasnt like the rest, she saw through all the bullshit, she knew I was a nice guy under it all, and she was going to prove it, she didnt talk to me like everyone else, she didnt want anything from me, she was just a good friend, she was always there for me in that final year, she was that shoulder to rest my head on, I liked her, my friendship with her was probably the shortest out fo all the others, and the least involved, but even as I type this blog, she still has a special place in my heart. The end of year was fast approaching, I had been told I could get good grades by just applying myself, I decided not to bother, I didnt need school, as a result me and Jamie spent many days skipping school and watching b-grade horror movies! Life was grand. By the end of the year I had a car and a part time job, making pizza, my outlook on life was better, I was happy, little did I know what next year was to bring, the world was about to turn itself on me, as were my friends, again.