DREAMS, MAGIC AND FAIRYTALE ENDINGS

Always 3 steps forward 5 steps back

2011-11-20T12:17:00.000-08:00

Been almost a year since I posted anything, things have been good, but as life is, theres always something that makes those backwards steps become bigger. Working in retail is always difficult, customers are always right, and having to manage staff is always tricky. Never have I had to work with such lazy sensitive people, if they arent doing their job properly and you tell them that or give them some direction, they go nuts or complain. I work with the biggest bunch of back stabbers, if youve got something to say just say it, so many two faced people and lazy teenagers, im bloody over it. This week has just been crap and it potentially might get worse, a black cloud over my head, my manager isnt concerned and has my back 100%, but as always things always stress me out, and ive been doing so well with my stress over the last year or so, there's been some major life moments that normally wouldve seen me ripping my hair out, drinking lots of alcohol and skipping meals for a week! But ive been pretty calm, just taking life as life, and things just happen that are out of my control, but this current issue, maybe its just me, im very blunt and straight forward and honest, and maybe thats just too much for people to work with.....I know everyones different and NEED to be treated in certain ways, but geez some people just need to learn what life is really like, its tuff, it sucks, its great and it has ups and downs. I think I need to be in an environment where I just do my job, finding good help these days is hard, baby sitting adults is even harder... Should be a fun week or two. End of the day if anything comes out of this all, my manager has the final say, and like I said he has my back 100% and will deal with things, he says he's not concerned with anything ( basically someone making a complaint against me) so I just need to trust in him, he can talk his way and everyone else, out of just about anything, and I really shouldnt be worried, but thats just me. Feels like the old me again...and I dont like it

Over it

2011-01-20T12:09:00.000-08:00

OK, I'm very much over the renting house thing, inspections, not being able to do things we want to the house....errrr, just bugs me. So I need to focus on fixing that, currently things that will slow things down...money/income, an average credit history. Income I can work on, I'm hopeful to be able to step up a position within the company I currently work with, anywhere from now up to maybe 12months time, so that's a start. As a joint income I think my wife is making steps towards hers too. So to be realistic 12months? from now...I hope things will change. Credit history...nothing I can do to change that and I take responsibility for it, I'm shit with money and bills, I need to pull my head out of my ass, as to how long that will affect us is just a guess, the only thing to do now, is make sure everything is paid on time, and we start a pattern of saving. We need a budget, we need a plan now. I'd like to say the easy thing would be to win the house we just bought tickets in...but I'm not holding my breath, if it happens great, but otherwise...time to go to work, some hard decisions ahead. This isn't going to be a shorterm thing, we wont be buying a house in 12months-being real about things- but we might feel better about heading in some sort of direction atleast.

2011

2010-12-31T12:00:00.000-08:00

Well another year has passed... Seemed to go by quick, the days seemed shorter...
So what will 2011 bring? What do I want it to bring? Whats my resolution for the year??????
Well it seems that in various things I've taken a backwards step. First- The family, I feel as though I've lost my calm feeling that I worked hard at achieving , I'm snappy again and I don't like it, do I really want my kids to grow up with a grumpy parent? No not really... So that's high on the list of things to change. Second- Time with the wife, well things are pretty good I think, but we've stopped making time for ourselves-work/kids/hobbies/Internet-seems to over run it sometimes. So I want to work on some quality time for ourselves. Third- The big one that always seems to come up....Money, now its not like we're struggling or anything, we eat well, go out plenty, and we do buy things when needed, but, we're not really saving money though, and I'm not managing my income very well, and not making progress on my car...Ive sold some things on ebay which went well, spending money on the car and saving don't normally go together, but it is possible. So time to have a big cleanout/selloff, stick to a savings plan/weekly budget for the car too. Forth- Lifestyle, now really we're not doing too bad there, but i'd like a better house, paying for location is one thing, but having a below average house is another, we have a house move coming up soon so that's something to look at. The dogs-well actually Atlas- is going to need some work in regards to not running laps-and trenches in the backyard- so I need to make a big effort there, more exercise and training-more time with dogs can be taken from internet time- that will help with the house thing, this house was a last resort thing, I didn't want to spend too much time waiting for the perfect house, this time around we can look abit more.

I think that's about it, well maybe for resolutions, one goal I have is work related-move up the tree so too speak- but that'll come in time... I should check my lotto tickets too, you never know how good the year might be starting!

A new start

2010-06-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

Well it's been awhile since my last post, some new developments! Work, I've been offered a job, partime with a view to full time, with a new Pet Supplies place about 10mins from here. Ive accepted the job with a view of working towards some goals, 1- Achieving a full time position, 2- Becoming more than just a "Salesperson". The money seems good even with just the part time position, I will soon know the hourly rate once my paperwork gets here, maybe this week. I'd actually lost hope on this job, I'd applied to it maybe 5weeks ago, but got a call from the HR manager last week for an interview, they called afew days later with the job offer. Its not ideally what I wanted, I really wanted full time work, but the money for 20hrs a week is not much less than what I was earning at the Shelter, so its not all bad, and like I've said, I've got something to work towards so I think it'll be fine....although I've had another phone call for another job interview....

So that's a good start to things, some extra income, and some future career prospects.

Ive also been thinking about other parts of my day to day life, family, pets, health and cars. I'm starting to plan certain things, more goals I guess, looking at some things long term, and also making an effort to have some routine to certain things. The family side of things has been going well, we've had constant outings, nature walks, activities for the kids, and just family days out, I've been going to alot of things too, I used to just stay home when the kids were going out with K, but I've made an effort to change that, quality time with the whole family. Some time with K without kids is next on the cards. The pets, well I've spent more time with the dogs lately, going outside a playing with them, walking will be happening again-this relates to health too.
Health- well I've been lazy, eating crap food, no exercise, gaining weight. So this week, yesterday, I started back on weights, bought a barbell after putting it off for months, I've got a bench that my cousin left here...geez I'm sore today though. Ive planned 4 days of weight training, weekends off, walking a couple of days a week at least, maybe getting a bike to ride. Time to get fit again.
Cars- well I've thought about this lots lately, I cant see myself driving -the car I've been working on-in 10 years, I cant really do the things I want to it, legally, and when its finished, I think I'd still like a Camaro, so rather than spending 2-3years building the current car, then wanting another car 5years from now, I'm biting the bullet and selling all of my current cars and parts, and buying a Camaro. It will cost more to build the actual car, but long term will work out cheaper as I'm only building one car, not two. It will take longer to build, but it'll probably be the last car I build, so time is pretty unlimited now. Plans, plans, plans!!!

So lots happening, and lots of plans, I'm also planning on doing more things with the kids, we spent 1 hour yesterday blowing bubbles in the back yard and laughing at the dog trying to catch them...was a good day, more of that to come...

Money

2010-04-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

So, I've stopped working at the rescue shelter about a month ago, work with my "mate" has been pretty inconsistent, so money hasn't been great, but we're getting by ok, for now. So whats my plan? Do I even have one? Last night we had a manager from a franchise come around to talk about buying a pet grooming franchise. Now its sounds good, make your own money, support from the company, how much you put in is how much you get out...but things that are bad, initial outlay to buy the franchise, 37000, that would mean a loan, and emptying our-well the wife's- bank account, owing money to the bank, probably spending the first year building the business and repayments, so pretty much the first year is repayments, not so much making money-well depending on how busy I am- so that means the first year, or most of it, I would be paying off, not earning, we get by on the wife's wage, and have backup in the bank, but buying the franchise would change that, is it something I/we're prepared to do? All of this hurts my head. Money money money, that's all life seems to be, money doesn't make you happy? To some degree I believe that, working your ass off to make it, doesn't work, the more money you want, the more you got to work-mostly, I think winning money doesn't help, IF, its alot of money, you know millions, you have people wanting things from you, having that much money makes you complacent I think. I want enough to be comfortable, enough to buy a house, and invest some and live-or at least- have enough interest earning, that if we weren't working, we had a modest-40000ish- interest payment each year-you know average wage. I want a comfortable life, that revolves around time with/for the kids, hobbies and having a fun exciting life, without stressing everyday about money and work, yes I know billions of other people want this too. If I won money, how much would be good, its one thing to say I want to win that 10million lotto draw, but really, that's nothing but greed, its nice to say I'd like to help out people or my family if I won money, but my main priority is my family under this roof, so how much is enough? Well a house, yes a big block of land and big house, cars, sheds and no neighbours would be great, but what would make us happy and comfortable? Maybe a decent size 4 bed home, close to the water-so gold coast obviously- a garage or workshop/shed, nice kitchen/bathroom etc, so maybe something worth around 400-450000? That's a pretty average house price on the coast, what else? Abit of spending money, finish the car, a holiday and some household items? So maybe 50000? A decent holiday by the way... And some money in the bank, 10% interest account, 40000 a year? So maybe another 400000? So really a million? If we couldn't have it all, I'd settle for the house option, that would mean working wasn't going into rent or home repayments, it would be surplus, so 450000? That would be nice, I'm not greedy, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a better life, that didn't involve watching every dollar you have, just want some comfort... Now to work out how to make it happen

I should be sleeping

2010-02-03T05:38:00.000-08:00

Well its not that late, 11.40pm on a Wednesday, day off tomorrow, but really I should be in bed....but, I don't feel tired tonight. I'm not really sure why, I've done lots of hours at work the last couple of weeks, I'm normally awake by 5am most mornings, sleeping in is 6am! Maybe its just having too many thoughts running through my head tonight, nothing bad, just thinking about work, the last few months has been abit shitty, lots of changes, some good, some bad. It seems the clash of personalities is really making things difficult, for me? No not really, I'm pretty much removed from that, I'm not really taking sides, just seeing things from some peoples side of things. The ethics of the place are my main problem, Nic, our 'new' boss, in my opinion, doesn't deserve the position she's in, I haven't seen her work any harder than anyone else there, I don't see her making things better for the animals, if anything now that she is in control of things, she can pretty much pick and choose what animals go out for sale and which ones visit the 'green' room.. Its disappointing, I've worked in many places where the staff are treated like second class people, I wouldn't have expected this at a rescue centre. Its all about money isn't it? Every business needs to make money to stay afloat, I get that, but the rescue centre feels like a pet shop, sales meetings and training nights, listening to figures like, '200 people came through the doors on the weekend, but only 40 animals were adopted', to me figures like that are important in a retail store, we're a 'NO PROFIT RESCUE CENTRE FOR ANIMALS!!!', anyone can work in a pet store and sell a cat or a dog to anyone, I choose to work in a rescue centre because I don't agree with what pet shops do, selling animals to just anyone, they're the reason alot of rescue centres exist, people go into pet stores and see a cute husky puppy, the salesperson does the hard sell 'Ohh the puppies soooo cute, ohh look how its kissing you, it wants to go home with you', then a couple of months later the new dog owners realise how much work the dog is, how much exercise it needs, attention, food, vet bills...then we get the call 'The dogs just not suited to our lifestyle', another homeless dog...pet shops... I don't need sales figures, I'm not in a pet shop, I don't just sell dogs to anyone, I find the right people for dogs, I find forever homes for these animals, saying we're not selling enough is offensive, being called 'sales consultants' is offensive, I'm a rehoming team member, not a salesman. To start to force sales and animals on people...that reduces the rescue centre to a pet shop, in my opinion. I'm disappointed with my workplace. They say the place isn't making enough money, we cant afford to work extra and get paid for it, and yet a new position of a 'purchase officer' has just popped up, to help us reduce our product costs, and yet the centre has never-in its 50years- had a purchase officer, ohh wait its the bosses brother, a very strong conflict of interest I think. I have a job offer, working with a mate, on cars again, good money, do I want to take it? Not really. Will I? Maybe not. Maybe I need to move forward with where I want my future to be, working with animals, making a difference, I don't think I want to take a backwards step in my career, being paid to work on someone else's car's is a backwards step, time to move forward. Tomorrow-well now today-I have a plan, resume and emails.

My resolution for the year

2010-01-10T21:11:00.000-08:00

Everyone seems to have one, I dont really think ive had a New Years Resolution before, actually last time someone asked if I had one...my year turned to shit....
So, what am I working towards for this year?
First- Health. Ive noticed that in the last few months ive become lazy with looking after myself, no exercise, poor eating habits, and too much alcohol.. So im going to set myself some goals and some rules. Today will be my first day back on the weights, 3-4 days a week, I will set myself a workout plan, including walking the dogs a few days a week. Food- cut down on the junk food, start the day with a good breakfast, smaller more regular meals throughout the day, I will make sure I take food to work. Cut down on sugar filled drinks and snacks. Good quality food, dinners have been good so theres no problem there, just need to eat breakfast, better lunch's and meals during the day-I will set myself a work menu. Alcohol, time to really cut that back. NO alcohol during the week at home, weekends and "outings" only, but still keeping it limited, maybe a 2 drink maximum at anytime, this one will be hard, but I dont want to keep going the way ive been the last couple of months..And drink more water!

Anything else for the year?

Ohh yeah, boat license and getting out in the water! A few trips to the local islands, need to try and get this happening by K's birthday!
Hmm, money... I want to start making some money again, outside of my wages. I'm thinking of snakes, breeding them that is, a few different types. I want to have some extra money to spend on a holiday, and maybe a Camaro, yes ive got the car bug again, but this time I want to do it right, not spending money thats needed for living, but having a side money maker and using it for "other" lifestyle things/needs.

I think thats it, probably more that enough to try and achieve this year...lets see how I go...

Man i'm lazy....

2010-01-10T20:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, time has got away from me, my idea of making this blog a regular thing hasnt really worked in the last few months, but I guess life has just been abit busy...

So where to start???...Well our family is back together in the same house again, the kids were happy when it happened, and K seems happy, it has been a long hard road really, not knowing what was going to happen, would K actually be able to give up her place and live with me again? Would it all work, or was I expecting too much? So how do I feel now that we are back together? Am I happy? Well the simple answer is, it feels like we started again, I remember when we first got together all those years ago, that feeling of excitement, wanting to hear what she had done for the day, just wanting to spend time with her, so yes, im happy, I feel like the future we always thought we'd have together, is back again, this time I feel like it will be better, no one getting in the way, and no more forgetting who we are, or how we feel about each other. Thats my take on things, hopefully its K's too. I think thats all I'll add in this post, ive got lots more to say, but I think they should be in other posts.

Dreams of the future

2009-09-13T01:37:00.000-07:00

So, where are we currently? Im still living alone, and the wife is living at the Gold Coast, im trying to find a nice place in the same area, a family home. Things have been great between us, I spend most weekends staying at her place, I feel like we have that connection again. Of course there's still that feeling of fear, and of previous sadness and hurt. She has spoken of the desire to be in the same house again, to be a family, but there is still that fear on her part, that things will go back the way they were, she will be lonely, I will resent the changes im making in life, and that I wont be unconditionally her best friend. I understand the fears, I feel them too, but for me, if I look at the fear, the negative and the what ifs, there will always be a problem, a fight to win, a battle . I cant say anything that will remove the pain of the past, I cant make either one of us forget what we have been through, I cant take away the pain she has felt or the loneliness. All I can offer is what I am, my heart and my soul, and the promise that I will always be here for her, and be her best friend, without conditions, to give her my hand to follow me on lifes journey, and to follow her down her path of life, and to give her my love, and to never let it sway, and to maybe pick up the guitar and play her a song, of whats in my heart. I love you Karyn, I always did, and always will.
I want you around I want you around
They're telling us They're gonna make a fuss About the two of us
I want you around I want you around
I know what you're thinking about That you must have some doubts I know what you're thinking when you find out I want you around
You know if it comes true I'll be so good to you I'll never treat you cruel As long as I've got you around
I want you around I want you around
You heard that I'm no good Yeah, yeah I'm no good But I'll treat you like I should
I want you around I want you around
You know if it comes true I'll be so good to you I'll never treat you cruel As long as I've got you around
I want you around I want you around
They're telling us They're gonna make a fuss About the two of us
I want you around I want you around I want you around I want you around

Hope for the future

2009-09-13T01:15:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought things were hopeless, a chance meeting between me and someone that showed me the way many years ago, was she going to tell me what I needed or wanted?
She told me everything that I wasn't prepared to hear, all the opposite things that I was doing, stop resisting all the things I was fighting against, I needed to talk more, be social, face my fears about various things, water, and change. I had to remove the negative energy in my life, get back to my beliefs about something that was greater than me, be who I used to be, most of all she told me, I couldn't wait for someone to forgive me, I had to forgive, I had to believe that what my wife had been doing for all those years wasn't against me, but for me. I was shocked, mostly that I had forgotten my beliefs over the years, I had stopped believing that there was something mystical in the world, some sort of magic, I had grown up, all through school I was the kid who would never want to get old, always be a child at heart, see things that others couldnt, believe in what others wouldnt, I had lost myself, I let the opinions of others control me, and ruin me, it was time to remember my true self. I told my wife all of this, in an instant I saw in her eyes the same look she had years ago, that one of belief in me, of hope, was this my second chance? She seemed to enjoy my company more, we were hanging out more, I felt like it was the start of something new, something better. On the date of our wedding anniversary we went to see Cats, and dinner, after Cats, just before dinner, we were looking out at the city lights on a mountain, it was somewhere I hadnt been for some time, she hugged me and said, 'I can imagine us together like this again', and then she kissed me...was this a new start for us? I hoped it was.

The end or something new?

2009-09-13T00:54:00.000-07:00

It was a difficult time for me, everything was falling apart, my marriage seemed over, the one person I loved was gone, life was a struggle again. I wanted my wife back, not because she was at home and I had to make an effort, but because I really wanted her back....she wasnt convinced. I vut off my other friend, she was a major reason for tension between me and my wife, I was fine this time round with not being friends with her, but my wife wasnt convinced, she wasnt ready to work on things with 'us', she was happy to be free and not think about things, do her own stuff, and find out what life had to offer, I knew that in her mind, she was over me, and wanted to find love again...that crushed me. I didnt blame her anymore, I knew what I had done, it was my fault for pushing her away, I felt like life had ended, even with my kids...it didnt seem enough. About a month after she moved out I found myself driving around one late night, I had gone to the border of our state and the next one, to a place called point danger, a cliffside. I had no intention of going there, it was just random, I hadnt eaten for 3 days, and hadnt slept for 4 days, my mind wasnt in the best of spots. I tempted myself, I hate heights and water, I was standing on the cliffside around midnight, I looked over the edge, I loved my kids but was it enough to keep me happy? I hated the missing part, my wife, my soulmate. It was a selfish thing to consider jumping, to leave my friends, family and my kids behind...but I felt lost, totally. I made it through the night though, I drove home early that morning, but made a stop to the wifes house, we talked, thats when I broke down, I dont remember the last time I cried or felt sad, this was it for me, I couldnt hold it in any longer, emotion was overwhelming me, I told her how I felt, she understood but didnt want to take me back out of pity, I had no idea what I had to do, I just wanted her back. I knew deep down that she would find someone else, without much effort, she's a beautiful person inside and out, so someone would see that without much problem, I was on borrowed time. I tried everything, the promise of change, begging etc, but it was useless, I had to have something else to offer, I didnt know what, but then it happened, my Psychic returned, to set me back on track.

Misery loves company

2009-09-13T00:24:00.001-07:00

So this new person, straight away I knew she wasnt like some of the other parents at school, she seemed different, im not sure in what way, but there was something about her. She had two kids the same age as our two, her daughter used to talk to Aurora before Jaiden was finished in class, she would also speak to me-the mother not the daughter- she seemed nice enough, I told Karyn about her, she said I should make friends with her, another parent to socialise with. I had my doubts, I didnt really want someone to be friends with, it seemed like an effort, but she approached me, to let Aurora have a play date with her daughter, I agreed. It went well, Aurora made a new friend, and I got along with the mother, I didnt know it at the time, but we had lots in common, music, same sense of humor etc. As the months went by things werent getting better at home, Karyn was telling me to hangout with other people, it seemed like she didnt want to make an effort with me, or so I thought, she told me it was ok to hangout with the mother from school. It was an easy friendship with her, I didnt seem to need to impress her, we just got along, the more we spoke, the more I found we had in common, she opened up about her life to me, she had been married twice, had a rough childhood, and hated her parents, things that were similar to me. At one point I was having a hard time with Karyn over something, the other mother knew it and asked me what was wrong, I dont remember the conversation, but it was me talking about feeling alone, like I wasnt being understood at home, she knew what I meant, she'd been through it herself, as time went by our friendship was based on the shit she was having with her ex-husband, and the troubles I was having, eventually the friendship grew through common interest. The cracks were showing with me a Karyn, we were talking even less, I could feel resentment in the house, but I wasnt looking for how I could fix it, I wanted her to see my point of view, I didnt stop to think about what I was causing, it was me blaming her for the situation. It was easier to not try and fix things while someone else was backing me up, why should I take a backwards step on things? I was right...wasnt I? Things went like this for awhile, maybe 2 years I think, Karyn was emotional through it all, I was just angry, why did I have to give up even more for her? She wasnt trying to give me things I wanted...or was she? After a longtime of hurt and anger...I called it quits, I told her I couldnt live like this anymore, I felt drained...she agreed. It was just after new years when we decided to breakup, at the time I felt ok, but within a week I had decided it wasnt what I wanted, I asked her to come back, she agreed, but something still felt wrong, like it wasnt meant to be. We went through months of the same old stuff, no communication, we didnt seem to have a connection with each other, after about 5 months, she had enough, she wanted out, and was going to find a place of her own. For a few weeks I was ok, it seemed like this was for the best, we werent getting along, why should we just drag this out? When she found her place the first few days I was ok, but it started to take its toll, did I feel ok to begin with because I felt like i'd be happier with the other person? Im not sure what I was feeling or why, when me and Karyn tried to make it work after the split, it seemed like I was more worried with hurting my friend, and not my wife..why? Im not sure, but after Karyn got her house, it started to get to me, I missed Karyn, not my friend. Karyn was always very honest and direct, if I was happier with someone else, or doing something else, then do it, or be with that person, she just wanted me to be happy. With my friend, ive relised she thinks that I couldnt find happiness without comprimise, if we werent friends, well I could never be happy, almost like she's the only one that could get me, or be around me. Things seemed hopeless with Karyn, she didnt want me anymore, it was what I always feared, she got over me. The easy thing to do wouldve been to walk away, start again and find happiness and love elsewhere..but it wasnt what I wanted, Karyn was the person I fell in love with, and I wanted that back, no matter what, I just didnt know how.

The Fear of change

2009-09-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

Now this part will probably be very messy as im sitting here with a nice red wine, and the last week has been abit average, anyway...
So time was passing by, it seemed to go by so fast, Karyn and I had come along way, we were both commited to each other, and had a deep connection, we were living out some dream of finding our soulmates. We watched as people around us were getting engaged, we laughed at some, it just didnt seem right, as time went on we were spoton with our predictions of some of them, we both thought 'we're better than them, maybe we should egt married....and we did, after 18mths of being together, we decided to do it, we waited a month and a day, and we had a nice garden wedding at my parents house, the reception was at Karyns mums, life seemed to be working out great. At the time we both were against the idea of having children, for various reasons, but deep down I knew one day that would probably change, having kids is the desire of most females I think, eventually the subject came up, she wanted kids, through my own fear of something going wrong, I fought the idea for quite awhile, I wasnt really against the idea, more it was a fear of something going wrong, either with Karyn or the child, I didnt want to loose her, eventually it came down to us having kids or she would leave me, it was never put that way to me, but I knew thats what she felt. I gave in, she was the person I most loved in the world and I was willing to do anything to keep that. Things started rough, she lost the first baby at 11 weeks-from memory-this wasnt the best sign for me, second time round things were better, we had a beautiful boy, we named him Jaiden, after less than a year, we were ready to have another, I wanted my girl, eventually we had her, Aurora, my little girl. Having kids wasnt as bad as I had thought, we had some minor problems along the way, mostly related to spewing and lack of sleep, but really, we ended up with great kids, when I see other peoples kids these days, im very happy with ours. Deep down I always knew that kids would change Karyn, before having kids her main focus was me, and I loved it, she would write me letters, we'd sit and talk for hours....when we had kids there was a need to care for them, it seemed to take up so much time, there seemed to be little time for us, I felt like I had lost her, I was being selfish, I wanted her all to myself. It felt like she was more distant as time went by, I was lost, she told me to find what I needed elsewhere, whatever she wasnt offering, to me this wasnt a good thing, it felt like she just didnt care, or didnt want to deal with it. She could see that things were getting to me though, so after working for many years, I became the at home parent and she returned to work, it seemed to work, I was happy, money was good, everything at home was good, things were looking up. Jaiden had started kindy, by the time he had started grade 1, things seemed odd with me and Karyn, we didnt talk as much, from my point of view she seemed distant, and thats all it was, my point of view, I didnt even consider what she was thinking or feeling, it was just me thinking about myself, the cracks were showing...something was going to give...then someone came into my life, little did I know what it was to cause...

A new moment in time

2009-08-30T02:25:00.000-07:00

So, Karyn had made it clear what she wanted, but what was that? Was it just living for the moment? or something longterm? I told her if I was just another thing for her, I wasnt interested...I already liked her, but when people end things with others, sometimes friendships dont work after that, she was a friend, and I didnt want to throw that away. She made it clear she was unsure about what she wanted, I hoped it was something longterm, but I guess having been hurt in the past makes it hard for someone to trust in someone else, I know it was hard for me, so there was doubt there between us. As the weeks went by things were pretty good, we'd hangout together, either at parties or just at her parents place, but there was this slightly unsure feeling when we were out, im a hopeless romantic, I wanted to have my arm around her, or hold her hand, when I tried to it would only last a few seconds before she'd move away or let go, it was obvious she was unsure about 'us', but that was ok, I was having fun anyway. At the time she told me, many times, about a male friend of hers, Ben, it sounded like there was this strong bond between her and him, he was away-overseas I think, she was waiting for him to come home so they could catchup. There was also her other friend, a female, Kerry, she was dating Karyns brother Paul, they were really good friends, I got along with her, she wasnt the usual type either, her sense of humor was very dry, straight to the point sort of person, she was cool, as was her brother. When Ben finally got back into town, Karyn sounded very excited, I wasnt thrilled, I think its always abit strange for the female/male friendship thing, sometimes words go unspoken in friendships like that, Karyn just seemed more excited by his return than she how things were between us, he invited us to a party, this was going to be strange. That night at the party it was what I expected, she introduced me to him, he seemed nice enough, but still... Throughout the night there was obvious flirting, the touching of his arm by her, resting her leg on his lap, it felt like I wasnt there. By the time we left I felt hurt, she hug him and showed him more affection than she did me, I felt that whole third wheel thing again. Months had passed now, Karyn still didnt really show her intentions for us, she spoke about a airline hostess job, an overseas one, was she serious? Did I mean that little to her that she was prepared to take a job that would split us up after only a few months? My head was totally burntout by this point, it seemed like I was just a passing fad, just an inbetween person, it was hurtful, but I should probably just grin and bare it. She never got that job, things started to favour me and what I wanted. One night when she was with me at my parents house, after they had gone out, we had a moment, she said " I think this is bad, but im falling in love with you", "its not a bad thing" I said, this was the moment I had been waiting for, this was a dream come true, someone saying they loved me, I finally felt like maybe I was good enough. I felt this strong connection with her, I felt complete, I hoped this would be everything I always wanted, I never had an ego, but I think when you doubt yourself, but someone says those words to you...it gives you hope, it makes you smile inside and out, and you feel like nothing else could take that moment away and that you ARE something...and for me I felt like nothing would ever come between us...

Not my usual type...

2009-08-24T02:40:00.000-07:00

So this will be interesting to type, seeing as the person being spoken about is in the room! And she has pointed out my many spelling mistakes through this blog too...
OK, here I was back at the restaurant working as a chef again. I was pretty good friends with Dave and his girlfriend Tonya at the time, and they pointed out this other girl at work, Karyn, she wasnt like the others at work, you could just tell by talking to her, or hearing her speak, of course I didnt really talk to her all that much. She wasnt someone i'd say I'd normally be attracted to, I normally liked the quiet sort, a little bit on the dark side of life, she was the opposite, very outgoing, a happy soul, and a bit of a party girl, when we first met I thought she was a 'techo music' snob, that still comes up in conversation from time to time, mostly because I was wrong. Before I had met her, there was someone else of interest, when Janelle and I would go on one of our Friday night hang out in the city trips, we'd go to a old record store, on Friday nights there was this blonde girl that worked there, now blondes arent normally my thing, but she dressed in typical 'goth' clothing and had spider web stockings, so my interest was sparked, I never noticed but Janelle told me on several occasions that the blonde was 'keeping an eye' on me. So this went on for sometime, we'd go visit the record market and she'd be there, but I never asked her out or anything, even Dave and Tonya knew I liked her. I should mention that in my last year of school I had a chance meeting with a so called Psychic, at first I didnt really believe in her, but as the years went on she became very spot on with her readings of me, anyway by the time I had met this girl at the record store, my psychic had told me I had met my soulmate, I thought it was her. Just after christmas I had worked up the courage to talk to her, she was nice, but apart from her looks I didnt really get that spark with her, it just didnt seem right. Then I started to have an interest in the girl I worked with Karyn, on new years eve, me, Dave and Tonya, and Karyn and one of her friends, went out to the celebrations at the gold coast, the night was great, I was in good company, then when the countdown to new years was done, I watched Dave and Tonya hugging, and I had that 3rd wheel feeling again, Dave came over and thought it was funny to offer me a hug, funny bastard that he is, but I was just thinking of Karyn by that point. Later on we were heading to a friends house, guys were trying to grab Karyn on the ass, she threatened the next guy to do that would get high heels to their balls! I liked her more by this point. We ended up sleeping in Daves car that night, Karyns friend wanted to keep partying on, Karyn wasnt interested, her friend asked if she liked me, Karyn said "he's not my type", that was crushing, her friend left, and we slept the rest of the night away. We headed home the next day. About a week later we were all out somewhere when one of the other guys at work came out with us, I could see Karyn had an interest in him, so that was it for me, I wasnt going to chase after Karyn. By the end of January it was Karyns birthday, she invited me out with her and her sister, and another friend, they were going to one of the local, rainforests/mountains, at first I said "no thanks Shane's going so I dont want to go", Karyn told me that he wasnt invited, I skipped a graduation at a training course I was doing and I went with her. We spent the day taking in the views from the mountain, we walked to various rock pool swimming areas, the waterfall etc, Karyn paid attention to me, I really was oblivious to that at the time. When we were at the waterfall, I had been watching her in the water, I was feeling something for her again. I had my camera with me, I snapped some pictures of the her under the waterfall. After several hours we headed off, she asked if I wanted to come back for a few drinks at her place later that night, after work, with Dave and Tonya, I agreed. So after on the way home I bought two bottles of wine, one red, one white as I didnt know what she liked, and I think I bought her a Romeo and Juliet book. I arrived at her place later that night, we all had a few drinks, swam in the pool, it was freezing!!! and she sat on me till I got into the pool.... After we came out of the pool I was so so cold, I was lying on the floor in her lounge room, covered in a towel and she was hugging me to keep me warm, all the time she was also biting me, I still wasnt getting the hint, Dave and Tonya said "ok we're leaving", they left, I started to pack my stuff and was getting ready to leave also. Karyn said goodbye to them and returned inside, I told her I was going too...."no you're not" she said, that was around midnight, eventually I got home at around 3am! Was this the start of something new and great? Time would tell...

Salvation and Dreaming

2009-08-23T02:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this isnt really a continuation of the previous post, more random info, filling in the gaps type thing. My early memories as a kid, apart from feeling alone for most of the time, was dreaming lots, making up things in my head to pass the day, day dreaming of the typical 'boy' type things, having magical powers, being able to create mystical creatures, knights, wizards, you know fantasy stuff, typical young boy dreams, but it was a constant thing, just day dreaming. Sometimes just being alone was good, I didnt have to explain things to anyone, I could just have my imaginary world that was just mine...although I did wish every now and then to share that with someone. Time can fly by when you're a kid, you want the days to hurry up sometimes, to become older, then when you're older you want to get your childhood back...funny really. My imagination was there right through my older teen years, it changed abit though, my focus was more on finding someone to share my dreams with, i'd pay close attention to what certain people said, trying to find things in a conversation that told me they shared similar interests to me, sadly that was a very rare thing to find! People just didnt 'get me', most people were dreaming of their future jobs, money etc, work wasnt really a big goal of mine, I think my values in life were different, maybe I was a few years behind my friends, most of them were chasing the 'settling in' goals, I just wanted to live, have fun without being tied to something. From my early teen years though I always wanted to have someone in my life that understood me, someone genuine to talk to, share my passion for certain things, places I wanted to see, things I wanted to do, and enjoy my 'other' little part of salvation...music. Once my early childhood dreams started to change, I needed another thing that could take me away from lifes little challenges, music was it. I'd always had a interest in music since I was maybe 10 or thereabouts, but it was mostly based on what my parents had, random music that really didnt interest them, im not sure where some of their music collection came from, tapes with 'greatest hits' from various bands, Blondie, Bucks Fizz and many more that I cant remember now, later around the time I was living at Eight Mile Plains, I discovered music tv, it opened the door to a few australian bands, some of them I liked, INXS in particular, and other random 'pub' type bands, later in when Adrian move in across the road he brought with him the 'alternative' wave of music that I had never heard of before, The Doors, The Damned, various punk rock artists like The Sex pistols, The clash, most of them I didnt really like back then, they werent 'top ten tv' types, when I started grade 8 my school friends introduced me to Heavy Metal, Iron Maiden, Slayer, Megadeth and Metallica, I was Hooked!!! This aggressive, angry music was an outlet for me, it fueled my anger that was building, the more that people would push me away, the more aggressive music i'd listen to. Music was so inspiring to me, ive never been much of a poet or a writer or anything like that, but music made my mind wander, I remember thinking of lyrics to situations that were happening to me, I also remember in Grade 9 after all my school friends had turned their back on me, we had a english assignment to write a poem of some sort, up until this point I hadnt really taken much interest in class, but this was different, this was my chance to get out some creativity, I wrote this poem/song that I had in my head, i'd never been proud of anything i'd done up until that point, but this felt good, I was expecting it to get a great reaction from my english teacher, unfortunatly my 'friends' told the teacher that I had ripped off the idea from a Iron Maiden song, which I hadnt, but one of them did, the teacher told me that it was a weak effort on my part and failed me. That was a crushing moment, it was clear to me that life was nothing but an uphill battle, survival of the strongest, and I was weak. To this day I cant remember what any part of my poem was, I never wrote like that again. After I changed schools the following year, I still used music to fuel my aggression, until one day I heard a song by an old 70's punk rock band that changed me forever, the song was Pet Sematary(yes wrong spelling) , the band was The Ramones, the lyrics were strange, the music was simple yet perfect to my ears, I loved them straight away. From that day I found more of their music, they became my favorite band, and they changed me, their music was basic, the lyrics were often wierd, but funny, it just made my days better, I loved what they were, average misfits that nobody thought much of, they were the underdogs in life, they werent some over produced band with multi million dollar videos or recording deals, they were just the 4 friends that started a band, and did what they loved, playing music! Theres not a day that goes by that I regret listening to their music, I miss Joey, Johnny and Dee Dee, im one of a million kids that had their life changed by them and their music, 1,2,3,4 Hey Ho Lets Go! Music now meant something else to me, it was beautiful, it had meaning, I found more and more great music as time went on, and it all added to my dreams of a better life, Juliana Hatfield, Belly, The Ramones, Alice In Chains, Nirvana, so much great music was around, and its still something that plays a huge part in my life, and will till the end of my days.

Letting down my guard

2009-08-16T03:03:00.000-07:00

It was the year after school, I had gotten over my 'pyscho bitch from hell' relationship, my friendship with Jamie was pretty good, we'd hang out lots, go for drives with our other mates, Andrew and Karl, things were easy, no stress. During the last few months of school, Janelle, had started dating a guy at our school, it didnt bother me, I was over her, after school we'd see each other at parties, we werent really good friends, but we were on speaking terms. I mentioned that Jamie showed an interest in her towards the end of school too, once school finished he would bring her up in conversation, very random things, she only live a few streets away from us, he'd always just drive past her place, he had a thing for her. Im not sure when, but sometime in '95 she broke up with the guy she was seeing, not really sure why, but I think Jamie was part of the reason. He mentioned a few times stopping at her place and chatting to her, then one day she stopped by his place for a visit, I knew what was about to happen, just a matter of time really. So they ended up dating, she would hangout with the rest of us, I was pissed off in the beginning, for a few reasons, Jamie knew I liked her awhile ago, now I was over that, so I thought, but I maybe expected him to atleast say something to me about wanting to date her...sort of a unspoken friends code, you know 'is it ok with you?' type thing, if he had said that I wouldve been fine, but he didnt so I was pissed. It was around this time that I had started a new job as a chef, I had met some new friends, David and Tonya, dave was a car junkie like me, so we lots in common, i'd hangout with him and Tonya, we'd go out to car shows, and go drinking. Anyway months went by, I didnt see Jamie and Janelle all that often for awhile, my choice really, I was hanging around my other friends Myles also. Eventually it was Janelle that started to talk to me abit, inviting me to various outings with her and Jamie and the others, it wasnt too bad, we actually became really good friends. Eventually we'd go out late nights and Jamie would just stay home, he didnt like all the same things we were doing, Andrew sort of went his own way, so it was mostly me, Karl and Janelle, it was wierd. I started to see the cracks in Jamie and Janelles relationship, she was spending more time with me, even without Karl, we'd hangout in the city making fun of people walking by, we'd checkout some of the old record stores, go to movies...it was become very strange, but I wasnt complaining. Then it seemed things were crumbling for her, she started to act really oddly around me, she spoke to me differently, talking about finding the right path in life, how she could stay on the current path, one she knew, one she'd been on for some time, or follow the new path, an uncertain destination...was I picking up on something involving me? Karl, he has a big mouth, I had my idea on what was going on with Janelle, I was telling Karl what I though, and Janelle was telling him what was going on with her, he told me that her and Jamie were having issues, and I had sparked an interest in her, now normally that would maybe have made me feel interested, but after everything I had gone through with her, I felt like a 'backup plan', and I was right, she pushed Jamie to prove what she meant to him, they got engaged, some part of me was crushed, but I saw it coming, so I was also prepared for the outcome. It was just after this, I went back to my chef job-I had quit 6 or 7 months earlier- it was David that told me to come back, he said there was a wierd girl there that he said i'd probably like, she was into Faerie's and other wierd things...why would that interest me??? But I went back to that job, it was there that I met this girl Karyn...this was to start a new part of my life journey...

The missing part

2009-08-16T02:42:00.000-07:00

At this point I should point out someone that hasnt been mentioned, towards the end of grade 12 ,when I started working, I started dating someone I was working with, no names needed, she was a very explosive person, paranoid, bit crazy really, but at the time it was better than no-one, so I just went with it. I never introduced her to my friends...not sure why, just something about her I guess, anyway we were together for around 4 or 5 months I think, during that time I started to develop some bad habits from this person, she was a drug user, not that I knew that straight away, but I soon found out she was a speed freak, now I didnt start using speed, I started with just weed, but it grew from that. Eventually i'd had enough of her, she really had a split personality and it was taking its toll on me, so I ended it with her, she refused to accept that, she hounded me for months until it all came to a crashing end for her. She had called me one night after work, she wanted to know what I was doing that night, I was going street racing, she said 'cool i'll see you there', I told her not to come, but she was stubborn, in her rush to get to where I was, and under the influence, she crashed her car at high speed into a pole, I was told she wouldnt have felt a thing, it was instant. For weeks after that I'd get visits from her friends, blaming me for her death, I didnt care, I knew it wasnt my fault, she still left me with something though . I had developed a habit, yet another things my friends werent aware of, it was a habit that stayed with me for a couple of years, up until around christmas '96, it was taking its toll on me, mentally and pysically, my friendships were suffering also, so I decided to quit, cold turkey, that was difficult, but it was either give it all up or it was going to kill me, I didnt want to become a junkie, I never got the constant cravings, but it was getting there. After a couple of months of detoxing myself, I was over the worst part...and something new in life had appeared...but thats a part of the this blog thats not ready to be told yet, theres the other things that happened after I got out of school that need to be told.

Scars for life

2009-08-09T01:27:00.000-07:00

So, the next part, one of the more painful memories of my childhood. So after getting my hopes up over someone who I thought was worth the effort, the rejection of her just added to the previous pain caused by so many, I feel deeper into darkness, my reputation for being antisocial grew, everywhere I looked people would just stare, now I did have some good friends though, but in reality it wasnt enough, tension at home was getting worse, my dad always made it clear how disapointed he was in me, my lack of interest in school and study, my lack of interest in being like him, making money and working, being a "respected" person, what a joke, I wasnt him, and I didnt want to be either, he hated it when I played my music, wore my dark clothing, and when i'd just sit in my room and ignore the outside world. Everyday seemed like a bigger struggle than the last, it pushed me to the edge...until I couldnt take it anymore, I had decided I wanted out, of this world and this life. One day on the way to school I decided it just wasnt worth going on, I had nothing going for me, no-one really cared, when my parents thought I was hurting or different, they just acted like they didnt care for me, just their own social image. I used to carry around a butterfly knife with me to school, a by-product of years of being bullied, I used it to slice open my wrist...the pain didnt bother me, as the blood poured out, I felt like I was being set free, im not sure what happened after the first minute or two, I just remember waking up with a school friend-a female one- standing over me in tears, she had found me in the park, did I think she was saving me? or just prolonging my pain? She ended up taking me back to her place, the cuts were deep, but she knew the chances of me getting to a doctor were remote, I didnt want help. She bandaged me up, I didnt go to school, neither did she, I stayed at her place for the day, she never left me and she barely spoke to me, she just had this look of concern on her face all day, when it came time for school to finish, she walked me home, she stayed at the end of my street to make sure I got home, my mother said as I walked through the door, " get some sun youre so pale!", to this day she's non the wiser. The next day I went to school, people asked where I had been, none of your business was the answer, the girl waited til I was alone, she asked how I was, all I could say was "why did you help?", she replied, "because everyone deserves to be looked after." I'm still not sure to this day why she wouldve bothered, most people wouldnt have, but really, I owe her my life, a life that has had its ups and downs, but a life that im happy ive lived/living, her name will go unspoken, shes listed within this story as a friend, she knows what she did for me, no-one else needs to know, she knows im grateful, the scars have faded over the years...but they're still there.
I was the talk of the school within a week or so, someone had seen blood under my bandages, it wasnt hard to work out the cause, some of the girls at school spoke to the school counsellor about me, I was called into her office to talk about things, this went on for months, did it help? Not really, it was just a way to get out of class. For the rest of grade 11 I just went through each day as best as I could, I made Janelles life a living hell, with the help of Myles and some other friends, that was me pretending to hate her, during the year I made friends with a few other people, one of the them was Jamie, he was a pig of a guy, very confident that he was a ladys man, but really he was just a gorilla in a school uniform, im not really sure how we ended up friends, I remember him getting me in a headlock at some point, and me punching him in the face..wierd. At the end of grade 11 me and Myles were still good friends, but he was one year in front of me, so I wouldnt see him at school next year, Jamie was in my grade so it was just a progression really, making sure I was covered for the next year I guess. The year came and went in what seemed like a short time, I wasnt sure what life was going to bring, I had no real interest really. Over the holidays I would hangout at Jamies house, he lived in the next street, when school started the following year, we were good friends, I was also friends with some of his longterm friends, Johnno, Karl, Scotty, and another kid that had started halfway through grade 11, Andrew, Johnno was, well kinda odd, he was smart, but kinda like a sloth haha, Karl was like everyones parent, always trying to get people to do things his way, always hitting on the girls, without success, but I guess he was pretty genuine, Scotty was a tall lanky guy, he mumbled abit so most of the time no one knew what he was saying, pretty placid guy really though, and Andrew...well he was a clown, and he was very confident of himself, he'd hit on the girls, but was always abit much to them I think, he's was unreliable, if we said we were going somewhere, he'd say he would too, but he was always late, or just didnt turn up. So that was our little group, no one really challenged us, actually this school didnt really have any bad kids, in a bully way I mean, everyone just did their own thing. i continued to make life hell for Janelle, until one day it was enough, she told me to growup, she was happy to be friends if I stopped the petty shit, I actually agreed, she was someone I really wanted as a friend, I was just being an asshole. By the mid year we were really good friends, Jamie seemed to take an interest in her, I could see what was going on. There was another girl in school that kinda latched onto me, she made it clear to everyone I wasnt her type, but she would walk around with her arm around me at lunchtime, it was very odd, but at one point Janelle made reference to me and her as a couple, that was enough! I put a stop to those suggestions, I stopped hanging around her, I didnt want that on my reputation, not that I didnt like her, just didnt like her that much. Things were good this year, I had friends, me and Janelle were getting along and I really liked having her as a friend, nothing else, she was just good to talk to. Another classmate-a female- was Deanne, she wasnt like the rest, she saw through all the bullshit, she knew I was a nice guy under it all, and she was going to prove it, she didnt talk to me like everyone else, she didnt want anything from me, she was just a good friend, she was always there for me in that final year, she was that shoulder to rest my head on, I liked her, my friendship with her was probably the shortest out fo all the others, and the least involved, but even as I type this blog, she still has a special place in my heart. The end of year was fast approaching, I had been told I could get good grades by just applying myself, I decided not to bother, I didnt need school, as a result me and Jamie spent many days skipping school and watching b-grade horror movies! Life was grand. By the end of the year I had a car and a part time job, making pizza, my outlook on life was better, I was happy, little did I know what next year was to bring, the world was about to turn itself on me, as were my friends, again.

Where it all started

2009-08-07T21:17:00.001-07:00

So how should I begin this blog? Maybe by saying that, for the most part, things like this, blogs, are normally not my thing. However things in life sometimes dont make sense, so I guess this is no different. Lets begin with abit about me... Only child to an Australian father and a Malaysian mother, yes, the typical "mail order bride" type family. I was born in Arawa New Guinea, but I mostly grew up in Brisbane-and surrounding areas- Australia. Life as a kid was rough, we moved 14times in 13 years due to my fathers occupation, contract work, we lived in New Guinea a couple of times, the second time was shortlived due to my mother being chased by a "rascal"(new guinea word for a common street thug/criminal), we lived in Victoria for around 8months, and for the most part Queensland, from outback mining towns to surrounding suburbs of Brisbane. Making friends was tough due to the frequent moving, just as we got settled and I found friendship...we moved, new work, new contract, more money, there was always a reason, as a kid, I just learned to accept it. Our final "home" was in a new suburb within Logancity, Crestmead, it was mostly made up of middleclass and lowerclass income families, people that lived paycheque to paycheque, yep thats what we were, allthough my Mother did a good job of stretching the dollars. For 14 years this was "home", things became routine and familiar. So what was life like? Well, maybe I should go back a few years. Most of my childhood memories are of letdowns, making friends, only to move and start again, there were some longterm- 3-4 year- stays in various locations, we lived in Eight Mile Plains-and no its not like "8 mile" with Eminem!- We moved in and out of that suburb twice-melbourne was in between for about 8 months- so as a result I went to the same primary school for grades 4,5,6, but when my grades looked below average my parents thought sending me to a Catholic private school would fix this. However that was when the weight of the world began to rob me of spirit, but lets go back abit. Home life was pretty boring, I did have some friends in my street, Martin and his Brother Adrian-or Bear as we called him- Damian, Craig and his brother Jeff, and later another Adrian, and Troy. I was a skater! I loved my skateboard, which really was a piece of crap!, days consisted of football or cricket-or any sports!- with Adrian and Bear, they were the sporty kids, but I was actually pretty good in most things, I was little, no muscles, but I had one thing on my side...speed! Man I could run. Jeff and Craig, we'd do computer games and exploring the bushes behind our houses, catching fish in the local creek, and making cubby houses! Me and Craig were good friends for awhile, but he had a temper, and one day he was walking around with a knife, and when he wasnt let in on a game me a Jeff had going, he started waving the knife around, my mother saw this and banned Craig from our house, and I wasnt to play with him anymore, a few years after that he was allowed back to my place and were good friends again. Damian, liked to show off his parents house, big stereo, pool, fish pond, big fish tanks etc, he was older that all of us, but he was the cool kid, we'd go catch these montrous yabbies down at the creek with him, life was good at home with all these kids. Troy lived across the road, he was from Sweden, we were probably closer than anyone else in the street, we just got along, and I thought his accent was cool, my mother was really good friends with his mother, but after a couple or years they had to move back to Sweden, my mother cried, and I was losing my friend, that was yet another defeat in the friendship stakes. Adrian was the new kid, him and his dad moved into Troys old house. He was about the same age as Damian, but he wasnt like him, Damian was the well dressed, into sports type, very serious person, liked mainstream music. Adrian, well he was abit of a 'alternative' type, he listened to The Doors, Cream, Zepplin etc, he wore ripped jeans, army coloured clothes, he didnt like sport that much, he was into fantasy stuff, novels, dungeons and dragon type stuff, Damian was cool, Adrian was too but it was in a different way. After Troy left, the circle of friends slowly started to disapear, Damians parents separated and he moved away with his dad, by this time he was almost an adult so hanging out with the street kids wasnt high on his list of thing s to do, chasing girls was. Bear and Martin were busy with sports, Craig and Jeff were "unstable" and Adrian ended up moving, eventually I did too, we all just grew up I guess.
My early years(grade1-3) of school are abit hazey, but as for grades 4-6, I remember being the class clown, if someone was going to crack a joke...it was me, it was my way of getting attention, I didnt care for what school was trying to teach me, even at an early age I knew school wasnt going to give me what I wanted or needed in life. Grades 4-5 were great, I had some great friends, Luciano, an italian boy 1 year younger than me, we were random friends due to my parents habit of taking to just anyone at the shops, his mother was chinese/malaysian, so like a target my parents would see her at the shops and start a conversation, nothing wrong with that, but they did it very very often, it embarrased me mostly. Eventually they would go to each others house to talk about food etc, as a result I became friends with Luciano, not best friends, but we had similar interests, he had other friends so I didnt feel like we had a "best friends" type friendship, I guess a best friend was what I was looking for, but it just never happened, I even remember feeling let down if he was hanging out with his other friends and not inviting me along...kids can be cruel without knowing sometimes. In school I had a couple of good friends, Andrew and Bruce, the three of us would spend our lunch hour making fun of the girls, spying on them etc, two girls in particular were our targets, Rebecca and Heidi, Rebecca was the typical quiet girl next door type, you know the sort that no-one pays much attention to in school but when they get out of school they're drop dead beautiful, although I never did see her after grade 6 so maybe she's fat and ugly!, and Heidi...well she was the typical tall blonde and beautiful type, although Ive never been a blonde fan. Anyway our days of school were filled with making their life hell, and just in general being pain in the ass boys! My friendship with Andrew and Bruce was pretty much just about this, although Bruce lived at the end of my street, but like the many years to follow their friendship would be a letdown. At some point they must have decided that all this lunch hour antics was boring, I remember to this day walking maybe 10 metres behind them one lunchtime saying 'lets go get Heidi and Rebecca' and seeing Andrew turn to Bruce and say 'lets go!' and then the both of them ran as far away and as fast as they could. I guess that was their way of saying, We're not your friends anymore... By this point it was midway through grade 6 and my parents were ready to move me to the private school, so I guess it didnt matter, much. Having female "friends" were never my thing back then either, oddll at the end of grade 6, we had last week games rather than classes, and we had this draw a question out of the hat type game, Rebecca-yes her- got the "who is the cutest person in the room card", haha she was about to be put on the spot, and someone was about to find out that she liked them....well what a major event that turned out to be...she walked up to me and gave me the card! What the hell!!!! So after years of torment she had a crush on me!! And of course the next day school ended and I never saw her again, that was my first taste of being ignorant to females... I even remember in grade 4 in melbourne-they're actually a year behind qld in the schools, so I actually did grade 4 twice and missed grade 3!- there was this girl who lived in the units near us, I cant remember her name, but when I think about it she was like having a stalker because when I ended up in private school for grade 7 her parents moved up to QLD and she still acted the same way around me, which was she always stared at me, was always in my face and always wanted to be around me, sweet childhood romance some might say, but with the type of boy I was it was just wierd, girl germs!! Anyway fastforward to grade 7 and my parents and I were in church and this girl infront of me just keep turning around and staring right at me! What the hell was wrong with her??? Anyway my parents eventually worked out who it was and spoke to her parents, 'ohh we havent seen you for ages etc etc blah blah blah', so thats why she was looking at me they said....funny but I think she actually had a crush on me, not that I knew that back then. So Grade 7, well that was the beginning of pain for me, in public school I had my friends that needed the wierd funny guy in the group, in private school everyone was a comedian! Unfourtunatley they were also bullies... Chris, he was THE class clown, but he was a mean kid, I was a class clown too, but I was passive. Ohh by grade 7 I had another friend, Kelvin, another of those my parents talking to his parents at the shops type deal, we were pretty good friends, both new in this school, so we had something in common, anyway much like the animal kingdom, the strong seek out the weak as prey, I was the weak, I was prey, Chris made it a point to make my life hell every chance he got. I never did anything to him, but that was probably the problem, I didnt standup to him like the others did, so I was his rage outlet...I hated him, to this day I wish nothing but pain and suffering on him. So that was how my year went, being bullied. The following year was highschool, and Chris's parents couldnt afford to send him there, so I didnt have to go through all that again...so I thought. Highschool, me and Kelvin were good friends at this point, there was also a kid named Scott, he was this tall skater kid, so we connected right away, we ended up better friends than me and Kelvin after awhile, I guess I kinda ditched Kelvin just like others had done to me. Scott had other friends, he lived no where near me so he had this other group of non school friends, so once again I was a 3rd wheel type friend. Highschool started off ok, me and Scott pretty much hungout during lunch, we had a few other classmates, Ben and Dominic, they were in the same school together the year before. We had our group, me, Scott, Kelvin, Ben and Dom. Things seemed ok, for awhile... Peer group pressure is a great thing, when you're a kid you want to fit in, Ben and Dom started stealing things around the school, nothing major, little things, pens, art supplies etc, then I started, same sort of things, by the end of the year the three of us had a reputation, Scott had ditched us for different friends, and so did Kelvin. Ben would steal money from his mother and brother and buy music with it, I'd make copies of his tapes, and his brothers tapes, then i'd steal the covers of those bands from local music shops, at the end of the year two other school kids got me to steal some handheld computer games from a local retail shop, I got 20 buks! which was alot back then, I spent it on the breakthrough album by Guns and Roses, Appetite for destruction..., Kelvin tried to impress us by doing the same, but he got caught, I was in the shop at the time, but wasnt carrying anything so they had nothing on me, they still questioned us both, and called our parents....My parents werent happy! My dad didnt speak to me for a month, and my mother had that look of shame. We were petty thieves, but close friends, or so I though. Grade 9, a new year, I wondered what it would bring. Me, Ben and Dom ended up in the same classes, all was good. We upgraded our petty crimes to breaking into kids lockers, lock picking etc, there were a few kids doing this, not just us, we just happened to be the best at it. But like all criminals, eventually you get caught, one of our "rivals" ratted me out to the teachers when he got caught. I was taken out of class and told, 'either you tell us who else is involved, or we'll kick you out', after what happened in the retail store with Kelvin, I couldnt survive my parents finding out...so what did I do? I ratted on my friends and anyone else that I knew was involved....this was about to get ugly. The fallout from me snitching was, I had no friends, Ben, Dom, Kelvin...they all wanted my blood! And I dont blame them really, my life became hell, I was bullied daily, fights were pretty much booked in with various school kids, and it just got worse everyday, one of the other kids told me to steal a t-shirt from a local store for him, or else. I went into the store, I couldnt do it, I came out of the store and pretended that I had the t-shirt, we made our way out to the bus stop where my bus was waiting, he followed, I told him I didnt have it and just ran as fast as I could to the bus, he told me I was a deadman. The following week I was caught shop lifting, food for myself of all things. They called my parents....i'll leave the rest to the imagination...
So on my year of torment went, my parents never found out about the school situation, I just keep it all a secret, when the school year ended I pleaded to change schools...they agreed-actually that happened in the week before I was due to go back to that school. Strangely another 'female' incident in the last week of school occured. This girl named Katheren was always hanging around, always laughing at my jokes, she knew about the year I'd had and the things i'd done, but she seemed genuine. We had the games days in the last week of school and she was in almost all of my classes, she always sat close, always smiled at me, the last day of school she said 'see ya next year', I smiled and knodded, at that point I was still coming back to that hell hole. It wasnt til later years that I realised that she liked me...I never saw her again either. Grade 10, a new school, and a new start. I had decided that this year I was going to run friendships on my terms, i'd always been the friendly type previously, not anymore, I ignored people, didnt talk to anyone, I shut out all the other kids, and it kept me safe. Oddly it was a girl that was trying to get me to open up, Alicia, from the first day she pestered me, always sat near me, she even looked my phone number up and called me at home! My parents werent impressed. Eventually she asked me to be her boyfriend, this was all new to me, but I said yes. Later I found out she had a reputation for this sort of thing, among other things that she did! Anyway it was shortlived, and she pretty much ignored me after that, I was actually relieved, she was just not my type. As the year went on I became much more of a dark person, my reputation grew with it, kids in lower grades started to fear me, they called me the devil... I loved it, I was untouchable, no-one dared get close to me, and that was good, I couldnt get hurt anymore, I was in control. But like previous odd female attention, I had a fan.. Her friends knew it, but she didnt want to say anything to me, but I knew, all the signs were there, the laughing at jokes, the hanging around when she could. So one day a mutual friend said, ' hey Janelle likes you, want to go out with her?' Sure why not... Didnt that cause a stir! I thought people would be telling her she was mad, well they probably were, but people were saying it to me...'youre going out with Janelle? Why?' apparently I couldve done better. But I liked her, she was nice to me, we had a similar outlook on life, but something just didnt seem right, we didnt have a pysical connection. Things didnt last much more than a couple of weeks, it was almost the end of the year, her parents were strict about not having a boyfriend, so really it didnt seem like such a loss. She said maybe we could try this next year, sure why not, I thought. By the end of that year I had a good friend, Myles, we liked the same music, had a very dark outlook on things, liked cars etc. Grade 11, all holidays I had thought about her...I was eager to try things again, maybe find what was missing, i'd never gone after anyone before, this time I was prepared, I couldnt stop thinking about her. I imagined having a conversation with her about getting back together...I had the conversation with her....the answer wasnt what I had hoped for. I will continue the rest of this soon.